I was keen on breaking down Michelle’s joke structure and this is a huge help. I need to regroup. Why are you so emotional?” Well, maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t shit in a week and I got a turd the size of Danny DeVito inside of me. If you are the type that prefers cheap shot comedy or the standard left wing whinge comedy this is for you. I don’t want the honey! I’m not a monster. Michelle Wolf. We’re never gonna have a nice lady run for president. Collapse. [cheers and applause] I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now, and they’re like, “I do?” No, you keep using like, “We gotta protect women from trans people.” When gay people wanted to get married, you were like, “Well, we can’t let that happen, because then they’re gonna start fucking dogs.” Yeah, you only ever said that because you thought about fucking a dog. You should have to put makeup on them! That’s your last-ditch effort to touch a boob. [laughter and applause] I feel bad for men. I need time. I was like, “Congratulations on making your bed?” So, one of my friends goes, “Just text him you’re not interested.” And then my other friend goes, “Text him the weirdest stuff possible. Here is some money.” It’s a selfless act! It's not groundbreaking, it's classic comedy, like Seinfeld or Louis CK or someone. Women are walking around being like, “Did I tie my shoe? From the beginning, if some guy’s like, “Watch out! Best-known as a writer/contributor on "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah," Michelle Wolf makes her HBO stand-up debut. It’s like, “I want equal pay and a chardonnay!” Well, then, just the chardonnay. In this extended cut of his 2018 special, Chris Rock takes the stage for a special filled with searing observations on fatherhood, infidelity and politics. This was literally torture. And I’m glad, I’m so glad we live in a world where people like Caitlyn Jenner can exist. I do think as feminists we’re fighting for too many things right now. I am the best.” “Hi, Wolfgang. Sometimes I try to do it. Her White House debut was so bad people were walking out and they are looking to restructure the entire event so such a pile of poop is not left on stage again. It is more like a signature voice, and certainly not the most important thing about her! [laughter and applause] I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been onstage. There’s not a single woman in the world sitting around in her book club being like, “You know what gets me off? Best Horror Movies. I can't wait for her next special! If you are into that kind of humor, have at it. And Hillary isn’t nice, she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. I want a career. I wasn’t like, “No, leave the sexy voices for someone else. You also say things like, “Why are you so emotional? It’s not like a man’s gonna look down at it and be like, “Oh, right, I gotta start respecting these. You’ve been all the presidents! Like, every month we get our period. Or, at the very least, googly eyes. Like, how many people here have successfully made a croissant? But better because we get a new female perspective. I think if men got periods, we’d have a three-week work month. We gotta go! She’s a mean girl. I’m such a dumb lady! You have your pants undone while you’re looking at a wall. I feel like I’m in a car chase, and all of a sudden I’m like, “All right, buddy!” [imitates engine revving] That’s a pretty good car sound. Unreal and flawless. [laughter] And everyone’s like, “She’s so brave, she’s such a hero.”, Well, if Bill Cosby turned into a lady, would we just forget about all the rapes, like, more than we already have? Both arms viciously torn from his body! It’s a design flaw. Her jokes are relatable, timely, and hilarious. A fart that after you heard it, you’d be like, “I don’t know who you are as a person.” Like, men, if you don’t know the kind of fart I’m talking about, it’s the kind of fart you leave a party for. Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady. Named after Hitler’s failed coup attempt, “Beer Hall Putsch” takes you into acerbic comic Doug Stanhope’s twisted mind at a gig filmed in Portland. Every day I got to feel pretty. | And I didn’t know how to respond. It’s like a goblin’s coin purse. You act like “all” is good. Great. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom. [laughter] I’m not scared of dying alone. Well, here’s an easier solution. And I know, parents, that’s very hard because you made a perfect angel, but you look her in the face and you say, “You have a face that means you’re gonna need to work hard.” That kid will change the world or murder you. Best-known as a writer/contributor on "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah," Michelle Wolf makes her HBO stand-up debut. You guys know that song, right? We’re a very private people. You just stand up against a wall and watch each other pee. Women, we put in so much effort into being beautiful. [laughter and applause] And a lot of my friends, they’ll say things like, “But aren’t you scared of dying alone?” Is that why you got married? She can’t come back as a man. Finally, women would be like, “No, I’m paying for the drinks, and we’re leaving now. We’ve been on one date. Just a sad statement on today's comedy world. Being like, “I don’t care what you think about my body. We gotta stop, we gotta stop telling everyone they’re beautiful. So I text him “I love you,” and then I never heard from him again. And I’m glad you guys have erection medicine. It’s now in the shape of a person, and every morning when I wake up, I roll over and I’m like, “Today I’ll try to be better.”. You’d be like, “These seem like weapons.” That’s how we feel about your penis. Taped at Skirball Center in New York City, the hour-long show features Wolf riffing on such topics as why Hilary Clinton couldn't be a "nice lady" and be president; the ubiquity of "brave" and "beautiful" sentiments in pop culture; driving men away with "nonsense" texts, and more. Wolfgang! It should be hard to make a human! You can make a human in that bathroom. A soft penis looks like the sound of sad. 'Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady' On HBO Is Just The Lady We Need Now By Sean L. McCarthy • Dec 4, 2017 The Daily Show correspondent has rocketed to fame quickly. For that to be a saying, it means that at some point in time, people spent their day chipping ham, and it took so long, they’d have to send word to their loved ones, “Honey, I’m sorry. Your balls are saggy! They think you shouldn’t take them. You’re so innovative.” That’s not innovative! That song is four and a half minutes long, which means after this joke is over, he’d still be singing for a minute and a half. “‘Wildcat?’ LOL. Nothing weird happening here. Avoids the off-color, or profane, Boy, do I love looking at those useless skin tags.”, We gotta focus! [laughter and applause] There are whole email chains about how much you’re not a nice lady. Like, the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend that they care about it. Like, the only way working out is ever gonna help me in life is that at some point someone tries to rob or rape me by chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. Got plans on plans on waffles.” [laughing] That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. Then he’ll leave you alone.” I was like, “That’s the one I’m gonna do.” And I’m gonna read them to you now. [laughter and applause] You have to have one. I’m so glad I had that yogurt this morning. Michelle is Amazing. Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady. Yeah. I thought at least men would’ve stood up for her and been like, “Hey, that woman’s a patriot!”. We’ll think you’re not dedicated. Fountains are a real big fuck-you to thirsty people. That’s for decoration.” “Well, can I at least grab the money out of it?” “No, those are wishes…” “that were thrown there by people that can afford to throw money. You have weird bodies, men! And I feel fine. But that’s a risk you should take for us. [HBO] HD. That was a period fart. overlook it. Stop it! It’s like, “Oh, congratulations, you’re having a baby? Hide Spoilers. One side of my bed is covered in laundry. You know it’s coming back, but you have no idea when. In like, “That was a very nice thing you just did, and I don’t know how to say thank you. He’s getting away with it. She could’ve assassinated him, she could’ve gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him, and then we were mean to her for being a nice lady. “All” does not mean good. I’m not like, “I don’t want to have a baby, and I gotta get out of here!” I don’t want to have a baby or a family. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft penis, he’d be like, “I know you’re talking about sad. Plus I know you’re all dying to see this little bird body.” [laughter], We want every woman to be confident and every woman to be beautiful. [cheers and applause] Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee. It’s soft and squishy. © 2021 Scraps from the Loft. often at women's expense--- this is aimed at Women. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug dealers trade heroin. Like, when you leave a restaurant, instead of mints it should be birth control. I have to never talk to her again.” But instead, he comes back with “Love it! You’ve been to the moon! Instantly became a classic in our house. You have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. It could be you! There’s just hot sauce in the fridge. They’d be like, “All the money in science, we got a problem. [laughter and applause] I took screenshots of them, and I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. We gotta take a week.” But I also think if men got periods, they would’ve figured out a better way to deal with it. --- I am dismayed that every reviewer seems to focus on the voice. '” And the whole debate is men are allowed to have their nipples on Instagram; women aren’t. I think it’s ’cause no one likes her. Like, we kept campaigning to get women on money. And there are so many big things happening right now. I can’t come home for dinner tonight. Men do, too, but for a very different reason. That seems like a thing you could’ve split up. We have to be beautiful. This isn’t an abortion joke. He’s working very hard to cure cancer so that later he can drown in pussy. I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday.” And I responded with, “No dice, Squirrel Man! I’m gonna walk. That’s like saying, “Let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots 20 million bullets.” And we’re just asking for a shield, and you’re like, “No.” We don’t even want another gun. Also, how good is this special?!!! Just a real angry Danny DeVito who’s like, “I’m not going anywhere! He was like, “I just want to make sure you get home safe.” That’s bullshit! I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. Do whatever you want with them.” Stop using “We’re protecting women” as your excuse. It doesn’t even have to be your best goalie! She loves quilting. I actually think a soft penis feels very neat. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things. Best-known as a writer/contributor on "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah," Michelle Wolf makes her stand-up debut. External Reviews Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do. I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. [cheering, applause], Oh, stop, stop! All he talked about was exercise, and then finally in the restaurant we were in, that song “Empire State of Mind” came on. Do it in the old janitor’s closet underneath the bridge with the rest of the breastfeeding trolls. I don’t want to have a baby. [laughter] We should be constantly given birth control! You know if someone sings at you for more than four minutes, you’re legally allowed to kill them? One where you’re like, “Get your coat! So you wouldn’t die alone? You don’t lock yourselves in a stall. That’s the American dream. How was your day?” And, honestly, I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding on, and I know I can just shift it into a higher gear to lose him. I’d hate for there to be someone in the back being like, “I didn’t get the yeast part.” Go home, call your mom. We’re gonna get one. Joke or abortion. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. Find me a horror movie with a scarier plot! 78. And you know what they didn’t wish for? You have to go! She’s a nasty woman who gets shit done, and perhaps the most recent proof of this is her speech at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. How are you?” when all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out how Hillary lost. She has caused more people to cancel NETFLIX accounts than Obama. ‘Cause we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled-up piece of cotton. I’m guessing that’s part of their appeal. Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, “Are you my mom?” “I told you, not anymore, Kevin!”, And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathrooms. Avoids the off-color, or profane, yet is definitely Adult Humor. Oh, it’s cracked? I guess I’ll hang ’em from a satchel!” Even the name sounds like a mistake! You’ve been great! There’s nothing new for you to do. You guys are struggling. Michelle Wolf is smart and funny. Funny in the same way that the big, fat kid in grade school pushed smart, nerdy kids down into the mud. Michelle Wolf was hilarious, intelligent, and REAL. Follow him at @grahamtechler. Like, if Paul got his arm ripped off and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office… I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after the show and been like, “Hey, you shouldn’t use arm-ripping-off as your example. I’m worried about your bathrooms. Give yourselves enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You look that cat in the eyes, and you’re both ashamed. At this point, if you wanna have a baby, you should have to take a test or two. I’m Michelle Wolf! That’s new. Her Voice is part of what makes her so Dang Funny. If you saw a turtle outside of its shell, you’d be like, “Get the fuck back inside your shell!” I don’t care how confident you are in your weird, turtle-y body. Also, can we be sure that turtles have bodies? What happened? [laughter and applause] Even white men would be like, “Go! 31. And I think we should be more like men ’cause they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them! We need ugly people. Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I’d be like, “I’m sorry. Those were supposed to go somewhere. -- I wouldn’t mind being a dad. Best known as a writer/contributor on 'The Daily Show with Trevor Noah,' Michelle Wolf makes her HBO stand-up debut. Although, I’m gonna have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. | And you make it fancy! Ppl who complain about her voice just don't get it. Like, “This is me looking cute 67.” Okay, can you just confirm that these are real text messages? You can give the Zamboni guy a stick. On target for women. [laughter] We haven’t had a female assassin because women are too nice. I– yeah, one person, that’s all. | I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. You wanna be innovative? So we’ve had– we’ve made bathrooms very mysterious, but in reality, in a women’s bathroom, at any point, if you see genitals, something has gone terribly wrong. If you want your children to be successful, tell them they’re ugly, tell them every day. [applause] For years, for years people were like, “Don’t, he’s a legend.” His eye is, like, the only part of his body that was like, “I can’t do this anymore. Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady Quotes. Comedian and writer Michelle Wolf will bring her sharp humor to HBO in her debut stand up special, MICHELLE WOLF: NICE LADY, which will premiere SATURDAY, DEC. 2 … We gotta focus on what we’re fighting for. Get your coat!” Like, “But, honey, we’re on a cruise ship.” “It doesn’t matter! Most politicians are men, so men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms that women will feel unsafe, and I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom. I hope everything’s okay. 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